I wrote this almost two years ago, I believe every women at some point after having kids and staying at home for a year has these feeling. they are true and sad, but feeling nonetheless. We, jermaine and I since got married I went back to work got on and off birth control. And am whole and in love with what I do because of my loving husband, he make his all possible.
Post created back on 2012 when i was blogging, I thought I posted this but I guess the time wasn't right... well now it is.
Okay so as much as I've enjoyed this time to be with my daughter and be a stay at home mom, this life isnt for me. Maybe at another time in life when im older, maybe if I hit the lotto, maybe never, but I need to feel independent, because having a child is so life changing. It could be because we dont have as much money as we would like to, there are many maybe's and its time for me to get on track, to feel fulfilled, happy, enjoying my own company, Talking to adults.... Again, I'm grateful for this past year and a half at home, to see m,y daughters First's and breastfeeding (LOVED IT ALL) wouldn't do it differently (this past year has been a blessing in so many ways) but it sucks to feel stuck... trapped... like go to sleep and wake up and say what will I do today... I want to feel stimulated, I dont think that having a child should make you stay anywhere, even home, if anything to me now I see myself thinking about things I haven't thought about for a while, everything with a baby is soo long, such a long road ahead... And I'm done being scared, I'm done talking myself outta things. I want change, I'm now putting it out there into the universe and will be working on making changes in my life that will get me to wherever I want to be. People change, either adapt and evolve or live in the past.
- They say the grass is greener on the other side, its bullshit! Life sucks no matter what road we choose, we will always have daily struggles and face things we dont want to. Its up to each of us to choose what fights we want to fight, and I think I now see what fight I want to fight, its one within myself, Its one that hits so close to home, I just cant stop ignoring it and turn the other cheek.
I wish my mother was around for times like theses ( she passed in 2008) when you feel that any movements that you make and choices will hurt someone else, and you let that hold you back. Just want to ask MOM, how can I get through this and feel good at the end. This is eating me up inside. I'm angry that your not here to help/talk to me.... I know that you left me sisters, a brother and that I still have my father, but that somehow doesn't matter and sometimes I think, if I could trade them in... I would..just to see you again. To Hear you talk to me, to give me advice. I miss you MOM and now that I am one I see and understand all that you did for us.
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