24 weeks

Hi world,
I am blessed to be 24 weeks pregnant with my son; Grayson Oliver. I do not feel as if i have been grateful enough for my/our families blessings. So i have propose to my husband that we do a 100 well 102 since thats today count down to Grayson entry into this world and record on paper not only what we are grateful for but a whats going on with us type of thing. Are we going to stick to out, who the hell knows, but I think its a great place to start. we are keeping it on print because i want to hand it to Grayson the day he can read! I also will incorporate Samaya ( my 4 yr daughter) so she can be a part of this journey with us.

Okay thats all i wanted to share, hopefully tomorrow we will have more news to update you with!

Good night and god bless!
-Michele

Do you ever feel this way 2012.. a post I was scared, but its 2014 and feeling are something to embrace not run from

I wrote this almost two years ago, I believe every women at some point after having kids and staying at home for a year has these feeling. they are true and sad, but feeling nonetheless. We, jermaine and I since got married I went back to work got on and off birth control. And am whole and in love with what I do because of my loving husband, he make his all possible.


Post created back on 2012 when i was blogging, I thought I posted this but I guess the time wasn't right... well now it is.
Okay so as much as I've enjoyed this time to be with my daughter and be a stay at home mom, this life isnt for me. Maybe at another time in life when im older, maybe if I hit the lotto, maybe never, but I need to feel independent, because having a child is so life changing. It could be because we dont have as much money as we would like to, there are many maybe's and its time for me to get on track, to feel fulfilled, happy, enjoying my own company, Talking to adults.... Again, I'm grateful for this past year and a half at home, to see m,y daughters First's and breastfeeding (LOVED IT ALL) wouldn't do it differently (this past year has been a blessing in so many ways) but it sucks to feel stuck... trapped... like go to sleep and wake up and say what will I do today... I want to feel stimulated, I dont think that having a child should make you stay anywhere, even home, if anything to me now I see myself thinking about things I haven't thought about for a while, everything with a baby is soo long, such a long road ahead... And I'm done being scared, I'm done talking myself outta things. I want change, I'm now putting it out there into the universe and will be working on making changes in my life that will get me to wherever I want to be. People change, either adapt and evolve or live in the past.

- They say the grass is greener on the other side, its bullshit! Life sucks no matter what road we choose, we will always have daily struggles and face things we dont want to. Its up to each of us to choose what fights we want to fight, and I think I now see what fight I want to fight, its one within myself, Its one that hits so close to home, I just cant stop ignoring it and turn the other cheek.
I wish my mother was around for times like theses ( she passed in 2008) when you feel that any movements that you make and choices will hurt someone else, and you let that hold you back. Just want to ask MOM, how can I get through this and feel good at the end. This is eating me up inside. I'm angry that your not here to help/talk to me.... I know that you left me sisters, a brother and that I still have my father, but that somehow doesn't matter and sometimes I think,  if I could trade them in... I would..just to see you again. To Hear you talk to me, to give me advice. I miss you MOM and now that I am one I see and understand all that you did for us.

April 1st 2014....

Samaya is 3 years and 7 months old. She is a handful but amazing in every single way. Since its been so long I will indulge in a little back story.... hello its only been like 3 years! So here it is, Samaya is in Daycare full time. She goes in from 8am until 5:30pm. She had asthma and uses a pump, she hasn't used it within the last 7 months which is amazing. However, we have been facing another issue for the last few months. Samaya has been on and off with antibiotics. Its because of large adenoids and large tonsils. After  months of seeing a specialist and after months of treating infections, we have decided to move forward with surgery to remove them. ALL OF THEM, Samaya will undergo surgery april 11th. 

Here is samaya at age 2.5 blowing bubbles. 

Here with Daddy, oh does she love her some daddy!

 sammi in the park!!! She loves being outside, doesn't matter of its freezing or smoldering outside. 

 Here in her full glory! YUP this picture with all this personality is Samaya Nina. I love this girl to bits!

 last year was the first Our Family Retreat It was amazing, Glad we were able to spend time with family, my daughter was surrounded with her 15 million cousins (not really just like 7/10)  and me with my sisters and brother! 

 This is my older sister's youngest son, he and Samaya are 10 months apart! They are so cute. 

 Samaya and I playing on the swing and my sister was taking our pictures. Every one loves samaya she is small (thin for her age, and everyone enjoys carrying her) which of course she loves it!

So besides my daughters health, She is a beautiful girl, strong, opinionated and so so loving.  Jermaine and I are very happy with our lives. Jermaine does want more kids but I start to think where we are with our work careers and its hard to say I'm ready. However, Im turing 31 this year, I also feel as of I don't get prego now, I wont ever. So with that said, I have removed my IUD on january 2014. we are not trying to get pregnant but if it happens it will be very well accepted. Our second retreat is in May only a few weeks again and I am SO EXCITED!!!! We are looking forward to the surgery two weeks from now and then our vacation will come. I just really, really hope things get better as the days pass by. 
I will end this blog on a great optimistic note and will update you as the days go by. I do wanna say I am a full time Managers in a Luxury Retail clothing store in NYC. I only get two days off and they are sporadic  I can not control my days off but, I enjoy them daily. I truly enjoy what  do and know my daughter is taken care of 100% by her father. If and when we have more kids we will re-visit our child care but for now it works for us. Oh ill post pictures another time but we (jermaine and I) got married on our 8th year anniversary, it was amazing.  

xoxo, 
Michele

Mother-hood

So yesterday I was tested to the point where I might of failed if Jermaine wasn't around. Wanting to have children and being a caring nurturing mother is two very different things. The first year of life you are so wrapped up with the beauty that u have made a person. A beautiful, counting on u always and loving u till forever and ever. Even though u go months in the beginning with two hours of sleep you become accustom to it. At the year mark you don't even look back on those times. People ask hey how are you holding up and you say it's great. Then you baby starts to sleep more than two hours, your so proud. Then she finally sleep her first overnight. Omg!! Let's have a party u think. Lol. Now this is where I am at. I have always helped my daughter all asleep. Rocked nursed kisses sung anything so I can also get some shut eye. Well two days ago I said lets go back to the pack and play!! It's in my room so I'm not pushing my baby too far. Even though her room is about 6 steps from my bed. Lol. Well yesterday I put her In her pnp at 8:45. She knocked out in the pack n play @ 9:15. I thought success. !!! Well last night was a nightmare. I don't know y, and because I don't want to jump to conclusions I have to wait till I get home to talk to Jermaine. He has been watching her n helping her back to sleep when she wakes up at night. I wake up, don't look at the clock just know its late Jermaine is talking to Sam but she's not having it. I asked him if he wanted me to take over. She was calling mama. So I tried to reason with her (Samaya is a very smart 20 month old) she understands sleep, her bed, mommas bed and a lots more) so that doesn't work she's still crying. I ask her if she would like to sleep in the air bed with momma. She said yes. We lay down she wants to lay her head on mine not the pillow or bed ugh!! It doesn't work. I tell her I'm puttin her in her crib bc She's not going to sleep and I want her to be safe. I put her in the crib and go to bed. She is still crying but then I hear a THUMP. She jumped out of the bed/CRIB!!!!!! Wtf???!!! When did my sweet girl turn into a crazy monster. I'm so confused. And sad. And of course Jermaine jumps outta the bed and says I'm crazy. But how the hell did I know she was gonna do that?! I look at my cell it's 5:15AM. Omfg I need sleep. I work tomorrow, she keeps calling out of momma and bobos (code for nursing) so I finally give in and nurse her she falls asleep within 5 minutes. And we are all back at step one. I never thought motherhood came with such challenges. I know many moms and they don't talk about this crazy stressful stuff. It's just mind boggling. Super sad and confusing for both/ all of us. I don't know what will work for us in aiding samaya off of our bed but I am still looking and will continue tryin I just can't do CIO it breaks my heart to hear my daughter crying. Maybe I'm weak maybe u might say she runs me. I don't care. I know that my child is kind, caring, loving and very smart so there has to be something WE are doing right.
Being a parent isn't about following a book it's about mistakes and how we correct them. It's about adjusting you plans at 5 in the morning. And making sure your child is number one at all times and I know that is what my daughter is to me. #1 always.


I waited and re-read this one post for a long time. This was a learning. The for me, and by far the toughest. I'm come to c that what works for me won't work for everybody. My daughter Samaya will be 2 in august we still share my bed at night. For day naps she will fall asleep on her own in her crib, but at night. Yeah right. I can say, she's almost two and we still might nurse and 1st thing in the morning, again this works for us. Not everyone. I will continue with it until it no longer works for us. Goodnight

day 9

It isn't easier, I thought hey by day 9 you would be flying thru this, well this goes to show how off I was ... Maybe im extra tired bc i have also been dealing with cramps from hell! But, whatever no excuses I will continue to push thru even if it take me 30 days to feel like I can finally move to level 2, but I will take my time and move at my pace, It's not like I want to lose 50 lbs I just want to tone my body. So that may take as much or as little time as it needs. I am enjoying working out! I really do love it! I also just purchased the get ripped in 30, maybe when I'm done with this one I can move onto that! :)